Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

This is me

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

so much to do

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.