This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
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I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*