this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife