Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Check your privilege

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud