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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why