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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.