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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sing it!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
reviewed some movies recently
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali