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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.