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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
is this a warning or an offer?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.