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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
just leave it at the foot of the bed
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Noah
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.