This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.