This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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I only treason on days ending in y
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
R.I.P.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?