This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You Might Also Like
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
