Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.