This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*weighs self after shaving
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.