This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The three genders
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”