Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

2022: I can fix it

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.