Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program