This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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Anyone want a chair?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
genius
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
couldn’t resist
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: