Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack