Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Human are so complicated

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.