This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
british sex workers really pound for pound
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist