This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
It’s on my to-do list.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Sorry I made promises on Friday
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Bringing home a sharpie
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.