Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings