This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You Might Also Like
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway