This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them đź’•
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“Worm Regards”
9 circles of hell in this economy?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”