This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.