Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.