Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

so i’m at the stock market right

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”