Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

I wish all tests were things you peed on

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?