This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]