It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA