This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
A friend sent me this.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead