This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
me when i smell free food in the break room
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan