This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”