Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

I’m already scared

whenever i wake up before my alarm

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.