This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
scares
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Oh boy, $150,000!
All. The. Damn. Time.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled