Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”