Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.