Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Me when I hear gossip

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*