This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht