This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Mad Max: Furry Road
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”