This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.