This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Okay this one takes it home
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?