@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

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@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@Home_Halfway

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@Average_Dad1

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

@panmidwest

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the