@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

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@_Mo_lee_

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

@That_Damn_Duck

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@NikiWithIssues

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.

@UncleDuke1969

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

@ericsshadow

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

@kumailn

“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual

@50NerdsofGrey

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

@NikiWithIssues

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!