This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month


One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.


Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?


Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.


Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”


“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”


No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.


“And remember to talk to everyone like they’re a 3rd grader.” – flight attendant manual


His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’


Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!