Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

I went from rags to one rag.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

selfie game