Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

👍

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.