Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.