This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Yes 😂
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
the simulation is moving too fast
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.