This was a bad idea all around
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
💀😭
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
PARKOUR
