This was a bad idea all around
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My five year plan is a meteorite
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.