This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.