This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.