This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?