This was my dad’s browser history.
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?