Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no try. There is only give up.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Finally, an instrument I can play!

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

figuring out my emotional availability:

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Ok but actually

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.