This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”