this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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You got this…
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Okay me first
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!