this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You Might Also Like
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows