this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking