This was the best day of my life
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
How animals would run if they were human
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.