This was the best day of my life
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making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
