This was the best day of my life
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.