this was the best i’ve ever seen
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
so, is there a mister shapen head
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund