This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*